When my sister texted me a YouTube clip entitled ” ‘Regular’ Mom SHOCKS World with her Dance Moves,” I expected to watch a Napoleon Dynamite-esque dance. Instead, I watched as 36-year-old Erica Coffelt showcased impressive hip-hop dance moves (self-taught, by the way), earning a standing ovation at the end of her performance on America’s Got Talent. I smiled wide throughout her dance, floored by her creativity and courage. She exuberated the kind of joy we encourage in kids; the kind we forget we are capable of having as adults. After the performance, Howie Mandel asked her what she was thinking, and she replied, “This has always been my dream.” Immediately, I teared up.
We ask kids all the time, “What are your dreams? What do you want to be when you grow up? What are you going to do with your life?” But somehow, once we reach adulthood, we forget that these are still valid questions.
As a child, I dreamed of being a neurosurgeon. And then that dream changed to being a nurse. When I graduated from college and began working as a nurse, I realized that my dream was a mirage. Sure, there were occasional moments of joy, but they were outnumbered by heartbreak. I didn’t want to put up with the abuse that occurs in floor nursing, and I hated leaving the hospital each day knowing my patients weren’t getting the care they deserved. Maybe my dream wasn’t my dream after all.
And then there was motherhood: I believed I was supposed to love and dedicate myself to every aspect of it. I dropped my career goals and my dreams of competing in an Ironman triathlon. I measured success by how many ounces of breastmilk I pumped, or the hours I slept. Much like nursing, once I became a mom I realized expectation and reality were two very different things.
I dropped a lot of dreams to change diapers and rock babies to sleep, but I gained a new perspective. Being a “good” mom isn’t about following all of the different checklists society imparts. It’s not about always being calm, or keeping an immaculate house. Instead, I’m aiming to show my daughters the truest version of myself, and striving to be her as often as possible. I’m not here to teach my daughters they need to mask aspects of themselves to fit into society or our family, and that includes their dreams. When I snuff out my own light, I am role-modeling that their flames aren’t worth keeping alive.
A phrase I use often with our girls is, “You can always change your mind.” Sure, I believe in sticking to things we commit to … to a point. But I want them to take risks while understanding that their perspective may change when their dream and reality merge. I especially believe this is an important phrase to remember once they start dating, or if they start down a career path they end up regretting. I use this phrase to remind myself that my dreams change. After running a marathon, I realized there was no way in hell I had any interest in pursuing the Ironman dream. It sounded good on paper, but awful by all other standards.
And maybe that’s the thing that really got me about the “Regular” Mom video. Oftentimes our truest dreams aren’t the glamorous things– they showcase our vulnerability– what we really want, but might not get. Or we might look silly doing it. When Coffelt danced, it was evident she was showcasing an aspect of her truest self. She reminded me to keep dreaming, mom jeans and all.